random goal

have calves that fit into riding boots

Brain dump of goals:

What:
Lose 5 lbs by turkey trot (another 5 lbs, not 5 total)
Lose 13 lbs by 12/3
Lose 15 lbs by 1/1/13
Pre-pregnancy weight by 3/11/13
married weight by 5/13/12
under 200
"overweight"
healthy weight range for height
choose a weight that works for me and stick to it

fit into playing-in-snow coat peacoat (Christmas)
fit into wool coat I bought in 2003 (next Christmas)
can you tell I don't want to buy a new coat?

run 2.5 miles w/o stopping 11/22
Flower City Challenge 5k in under 40 min (4/28/13)

How:
bring lunch 4x/week
lunch w/ a friend 1x/week
dinner out 1x/week max
1/2 plate is fruit & veg every lunch & dinner
min 8 cups water/day
make coffee at home
no drive thrus

This might just... not work

Medifast is a misery.

This is day 8, and I have officially lost 1 lb.  Net 1 lb, b/c I had lost 2 and now I am up 1.  My ankles are swollen and my digestive system isn't right (trying to respect delicate sensibilities).

I know it works if you just do it, and I know that the whole point is to just get to the goal weight and then go on with a healthy life, and I know that I need to learn moderation and the hunger isn't going to kill me. 

I know.

I know that my husband saw this coming a mile away.

I was really excited day 1 when I didn't faint or die or whatever I was worried about.

I was really excited day 6 when my doctor told me that because of my high BMI I could add one or two more 100 calorie meals of actual food.

And then last night I was miserable, cancelled social plans on some of my favorite people, ate a "lean & green" dinner and then housed a hot dog, and was...  ill (if you get my drift, gentle reader).

So you know what I did today? 
I ate an egg for breakfast.  With salsa on it.  And I enjoyed it
Midmorning I ate a Medifast bar and drank a bunch of water
Lunchtime - salad and sushi. 
And technically I could be eating now, but I'm not hungry.  For the first time since last Thursday
I have a shake packet in my lunch bag that I will have at 3:30 so I don't do anything rash at dinner
Fish and veggies planned for dinner
And no processed mess for dessert today (last night's brownie with rubbery soy protein bits was disheartening)

Oh, and I'm going to exercise.  Why would I want to cut back on exercise?!  The program is so low calorie that it advises "avoid" exercise, or at least cut current activity by 50%.  That is contrary to one of my main motivations, being able to stay active with my son.  The book that goes with the program is about living into your 80s, 90s, 100s, at "optimal health."  Fine.  I'm not missing walking the dog with my son or doing the Thanksgiving morning running race so I can try to live to 100.  I'm going to keep walking and (get back to) running, which will give me better health immediately and in old age.

I know that the program was developed by doctors and endorsed by my own doctor, who I trust very much.  Lots of people have succeeded in losing weight using this method.  Including the doctor who developed it, who lost... wait for it... 27 lbs.  Seriously dude?  I can't eat the same number of calories as a person who is barely in the "overweight" category and feel at all okay.

I'm just as motivated to lose weight and be healthy as I was a week ago.  I lost a pound.  I could easily have gained a pound this week.  I think the high protein, low carb mini meals are a good tool, and I'd like to use those still.  I learned something about dealing with hunger (more on that later).  I got really good support from my husband and brother.

I'm not stopping.  I am adjusting.  That's how I do.

This just might work

On Friday I started my new diet - I'm doing Medifast meal replacements, on the advice of my doctor.  It's going really well, even over a holiday weekend, because I'm really committed. 

I do feel like I need to put "really well" in perspective.  I am the worst dieter in the world.  I am the only person I know who actually gains weight on a diet.  Several years ago on the Biggest Loser, a contestant was sent home during the first week.  His comment was "Who gains weight on a fat-loss show?"  Me, pal.  That would be me.

I have some real control issues when it comes to food.  I want to eat what I want, when I want, as much as I want, and I do not expect anyone to so much a bat an eyelash

So why would I sign up for a diet where my choices consist of choosing between a shake or a bar, and my main meal of the day is choosing between fish or chicken?  Because I obviously need to change the way I make choices.  Even if I don't follow this plan to the bitter end, I think I can get a good head start.  I want to keep following Medifast until I lose some lbs and practice focusing on lifestyle choices

The diet has taken away my ability to choose a burrito for lunch.  But the fundamental choice here is do I want to lose weight or stay the same?  If I want to lose weight, eat the prepared meal. I ate the prepared meals, I lost 2 lbs in 3 days.

I might be on to something.

My Darth Vader Impression

Good news - I survived my second sleep study, and I actually slept!  (The exclamation point belongs to the Ambien that made sleep possible).  I came home with a new toy, a CPAP machine.  Toy, box of shame, whatever.

I am ashamed, but I'm ignoring it.  If this godawful mask and humiliating headgear are going to help me have more energy, I'm embracing it.  If anyone wants to judge me, I'm ignoring that, too.  I'm going to wear this mask, and I'm going to sleep, and I'm going to be better for it.

So there.

Obviously, pep talks are easing the anxiety here.

Speaking of pep talks, I read a book recently by one of my abs fav authors, Augusten Burroughs.  His most recent book, "This is How," is heartbreaking, uplifting and spectacularly arrogant at the same time.  His books draw graffiti and change my landscape.  After reading "This is How," I now walk around thinking "wipe that fucking smile off your face."

As a life-long nervous wreck, I use a smile to lie to myself and others about my health, happiness and capacity for listening to people whine.  I smile and laugh in my therapist's office.  At the end of the day, having used up all my smiles, my family gets to deal with the non-smiles (frowns? tears? yelling? going straight to bed?)

In the vein of "fake it 'til you make it," I smile to make myself feel happy.  When I actually am happy and having a good time, it's so easy for me to smile and laugh.  I don't have to fake it.  I suspect that when I fake it, people know.  Maybe not.  But I know.

I'm not going to smile under the CPAP mask, but I'm still going to wear it.

May cause sleepiness

When I read weigh loss stories, the recap version, there seem to be two paths people follow.  1) Something scary/tragic/life-altering happened and I new I had to change, or 2) I started walking and eventually started running.

I am damned fortunate that I have never had to travel road 1.  There have been times in my life when I've thought I really want to change and that losing weight would improve my quality of life, one of those times being now.  As for road 2, I have started walking over and over and over again and always encountered some obstacle, real or imagined, that forced/gave me an excuse to stop.

I mentioned last time that I'm slowly killing myself.  I know that's heavy dramz, but I was diagnosed with sleep apnea.  I stop breathing in my sleep.  Not Good.  It's possible that I've had this for a long time, becuase I always remember being able to fall asleep in seconds and I've always woken up feeling tired.  But I cannot deny the fact that I am vastly heavier and so much less healthy than ever before.

I am so fat I can't even sleep.

Tonight I go for my "titration" appointment, in which they fit me with a CPAP mask and figure out the settings so that my airway stays open when I sleep.

My doctor keeps telling me that getting good quality sleep is life changing.  When I hear the words life changing, I sit up and listen.   Unfortunately, those words are usually followed by results not typical or a list of potentially fatal side affects.  CPAP isn't.  It's not attractive, but there aren't any side affects besides breathing properly and getting restful sleep.

If I can sleep, and I have energy, then this is the life-altering event that starts my story. 

Pick something

I'm considering "life change" ideas, instead of "diet" ideas.  I think of what I want my life to be like, and I see three areas that need to change

• eating habits
• exercise habits
• thoughts

No one or the other is really numero uno.  I have shown time and time again that I can exercise and then ingest enough calories to have just wasted my time.  I can cut back on food and then talk myself into eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  I can tell myself I'm worth it and then treat myself like shit.

I definitely can't do it all.  The whole working mom gig plus how committed I am to my current lifestyle means that turning my life on a dime isn't likely to work out. 

I just said work out.  Freudian slip?

It's as good a place to start as any.

In the spirit of Pick Two, I need to combine exercise in with something I do anyway.  I see possibilities at work.  I walk to and from the parking garage each day, but typically take the elevator (up and down) on both ends.  I could commit to using the stairs in the garage and the office (although the days I park on the 6th floor, I might have to do half-and-half for a while).  I rarely take breaks, but if I do they are focused on food procurement.  Lunch is another opportunity to climb 3 flights of stairs (in an office building, so it's kind of like 6).  I could come up with a little 10 minute route, inside or outside, just to do something in the middle of the day. 

I found this fantastic Amanda Russell 4-minute wakeup routine on Pinterest.  I did it once, and haven't done it again.  It was hard, but it was 4 minutes, so come on.  It would give me some core strength.  Which just leaves a real exercise session to fit in somewhere.  And that's a whole topic by itself.