Good news - I survived my second sleep study, and I actually slept! (The exclamation point belongs to the Ambien that made sleep possible). I came home with a new toy, a CPAP machine. Toy, box of shame, whatever.
I am ashamed, but I'm ignoring it. If this godawful mask and humiliating headgear are going to help me have more energy, I'm embracing it. If anyone wants to judge me, I'm ignoring that, too. I'm going to wear this mask, and I'm going to sleep, and I'm going to be better for it.
So there.
Obviously, pep talks are easing the anxiety here.
Speaking of pep talks, I read a book recently by one of my abs fav authors, Augusten Burroughs. His most recent book, "This is How," is heartbreaking, uplifting and spectacularly arrogant at the same time. His books draw graffiti and change my landscape. After reading "This is How," I now walk around thinking "wipe that fucking smile off your face."
As a life-long nervous wreck, I use a smile to lie to myself and others about my health, happiness and capacity for listening to people whine. I smile and laugh in my therapist's office. At the end of the day, having used up all my smiles, my family gets to deal with the non-smiles (frowns? tears? yelling? going straight to bed?)
In the vein of "fake it 'til you make it," I smile to make myself feel happy. When I actually am happy and having a good time, it's so easy for me to smile and laugh. I don't have to fake it. I suspect that when I fake it, people know. Maybe not. But I know.
I'm not going to smile under the CPAP mask, but I'm still going to wear it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
May cause sleepiness
When I read weigh loss stories, the recap version, there seem to be two paths people follow. 1) Something scary/tragic/life-altering happened and I new I had to change, or 2) I started walking and eventually started running.
I am damned fortunate that I have never had to travel road 1. There have been times in my life when I've thought I really want to change and that losing weight would improve my quality of life, one of those times being now. As for road 2, I have started walking over and over and over again and always encountered some obstacle, real or imagined, that forced/gave me an excuse to stop.
I mentioned last time that I'm slowly killing myself. I know that's heavy dramz, but I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I stop breathing in my sleep. Not Good. It's possible that I've had this for a long time, becuase I always remember being able to fall asleep in seconds and I've always woken up feeling tired. But I cannot deny the fact that I am vastly heavier and so much less healthy than ever before.
I am so fat I can't even sleep.
Tonight I go for my "titration" appointment, in which they fit me with a CPAP mask and figure out the settings so that my airway stays open when I sleep.
My doctor keeps telling me that getting good quality sleep is life changing. When I hear the words life changing, I sit up and listen. Unfortunately, those words are usually followed by results not typical or a list of potentially fatal side affects. CPAP isn't. It's not attractive, but there aren't any side affects besides breathing properly and getting restful sleep.
If I can sleep, and I have energy, then this is the life-altering event that starts my story.
I am damned fortunate that I have never had to travel road 1. There have been times in my life when I've thought I really want to change and that losing weight would improve my quality of life, one of those times being now. As for road 2, I have started walking over and over and over again and always encountered some obstacle, real or imagined, that forced/gave me an excuse to stop.
I mentioned last time that I'm slowly killing myself. I know that's heavy dramz, but I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I stop breathing in my sleep. Not Good. It's possible that I've had this for a long time, becuase I always remember being able to fall asleep in seconds and I've always woken up feeling tired. But I cannot deny the fact that I am vastly heavier and so much less healthy than ever before.
I am so fat I can't even sleep.
Tonight I go for my "titration" appointment, in which they fit me with a CPAP mask and figure out the settings so that my airway stays open when I sleep.
My doctor keeps telling me that getting good quality sleep is life changing. When I hear the words life changing, I sit up and listen. Unfortunately, those words are usually followed by results not typical or a list of potentially fatal side affects. CPAP isn't. It's not attractive, but there aren't any side affects besides breathing properly and getting restful sleep.
If I can sleep, and I have energy, then this is the life-altering event that starts my story.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Pick something
I'm considering "life change" ideas, instead of "diet" ideas. I think of what I want my life to be like, and I see three areas that need to change
I definitely can't do it all. The whole working mom gig plus how committed I am to my current lifestyle means that turning my life on a dime isn't likely to work out.
I just said work out. Freudian slip?
It's as good a place to start as any.
In the spirit of Pick Two, I need to combine exercise in with something I do anyway. I see possibilities at work. I walk to and from the parking garage each day, but typically take the elevator (up and down) on both ends. I could commit to using the stairs in the garage and the office (although the days I park on the 6th floor, I might have to do half-and-half for a while). I rarely take breaks, but if I do they are focused on food procurement. Lunch is another opportunity to climb 3 flights of stairs (in an office building, so it's kind of like 6). I could come up with a little 10 minute route, inside or outside, just to do something in the middle of the day.
I found this fantastic Amanda Russell 4-minute wakeup routine on Pinterest. I did it once, and haven't done it again. It was hard, but it was 4 minutes, so come on. It would give me some core strength. Which just leaves a real exercise session to fit in somewhere. And that's a whole topic by itself.
- eating habits
- exercise habits
- thoughts
I definitely can't do it all. The whole working mom gig plus how committed I am to my current lifestyle means that turning my life on a dime isn't likely to work out.
I just said work out. Freudian slip?
It's as good a place to start as any.
In the spirit of Pick Two, I need to combine exercise in with something I do anyway. I see possibilities at work. I walk to and from the parking garage each day, but typically take the elevator (up and down) on both ends. I could commit to using the stairs in the garage and the office (although the days I park on the 6th floor, I might have to do half-and-half for a while). I rarely take breaks, but if I do they are focused on food procurement. Lunch is another opportunity to climb 3 flights of stairs (in an office building, so it's kind of like 6). I could come up with a little 10 minute route, inside or outside, just to do something in the middle of the day.
I found this fantastic Amanda Russell 4-minute wakeup routine on Pinterest. I did it once, and haven't done it again. It was hard, but it was 4 minutes, so come on. It would give me some core strength. Which just leaves a real exercise session to fit in somewhere. And that's a whole topic by itself.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Haaaay
hey there, whatcha doin'? I haven't been around in a while... Been workin'. Sweatin' the small stuff, you know. Gonna start bloggin' again b/c I have all kinds of stuff running around in my head that needs to get sorted out and organized. I need a place to just say stuff while I'm thinking it through, and you know this old blog is just me sayin' stuff.
Turns out that the things I do to make myself feel good, feel better, survive, get through the day, feel happy, save time, save money, give more to others... it's making me sick. I feel worse, I'm barely getting through the days, I'm sometimes extremely unhappy, broke, busy, taking away from my experience w/ others. Not to go all super-drama, but I'm killing myself slowly. You know all the space on the BMI scale past "obese"? Past morbid? Apparently there's a think called super-morbidly obese. And I'm there, man. I'm there.
If you were to ask me, about any other destructive, dangerous habit, I would say "no way, I don't do that!" I'm not a smoker, an alcoholic, a daredevil, I don't party, I wear my seat belt. And I eat. And now I'm ugly and sick and I hit rock bottom. And I love myself and my family too much for that, and I'm comin' back.
Turns out that the things I do to make myself feel good, feel better, survive, get through the day, feel happy, save time, save money, give more to others... it's making me sick. I feel worse, I'm barely getting through the days, I'm sometimes extremely unhappy, broke, busy, taking away from my experience w/ others. Not to go all super-drama, but I'm killing myself slowly. You know all the space on the BMI scale past "obese"? Past morbid? Apparently there's a think called super-morbidly obese. And I'm there, man. I'm there.
If you were to ask me, about any other destructive, dangerous habit, I would say "no way, I don't do that!" I'm not a smoker, an alcoholic, a daredevil, I don't party, I wear my seat belt. And I eat. And now I'm ugly and sick and I hit rock bottom. And I love myself and my family too much for that, and I'm comin' back.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
A thoroughly modern Meg
There is this super cute saying/poster/decor item going around on Pinterest...
(for which I want to give super-props to Junk Garden, which is chock full of the most delicious eye-candy online today, and is also well curated IMHO)
The crazy thing is that on the average day, I pick one. Sad. Goal: accomplish two.
(for which I want to give super-props to Junk Garden, which is chock full of the most delicious eye-candy online today, and is also well curated IMHO)
The crazy thing is that on the average day, I pick one. Sad. Goal: accomplish two.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
a little berserk
fortune cookie fortune taped to wall in newly-acquired office:
If you want to win anything - a race, your self, your life - you have to go a little berserk.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Behind the times
The blog fad may be over, but I kind of miss this. I think the constant facebook updates have stolen all my blogging time! I want to catch up to the ABC-Along, so pictures forthcoming.
I've also given up on the 30th birthday bucket list. It's amazing how I'm not worried about what I'm accomplishing and when now that I'm back to work. When I was unemployed, I really felt this need to prove that I was not wasting my life, that I was having important experiences and achieving. Now, the fact that I'm writing a blog post at 11:09 on a Tuesday tells another story, but work has me accomplishing plenty. The summer has been busy, I'm happy. No real need for the list. There are some things on there that I still want to do, but it's just not as pressing now that I have my identity back.
Speaking of a busy summer, I'm looking so forward to fall. Autumn is by far my favorite season, and I have lots of plans for quiet times and being at home to share.
Well with the best of intentions - back to my work day!
I've also given up on the 30th birthday bucket list. It's amazing how I'm not worried about what I'm accomplishing and when now that I'm back to work. When I was unemployed, I really felt this need to prove that I was not wasting my life, that I was having important experiences and achieving. Now, the fact that I'm writing a blog post at 11:09 on a Tuesday tells another story, but work has me accomplishing plenty. The summer has been busy, I'm happy. No real need for the list. There are some things on there that I still want to do, but it's just not as pressing now that I have my identity back.
Speaking of a busy summer, I'm looking so forward to fall. Autumn is by far my favorite season, and I have lots of plans for quiet times and being at home to share.
Well with the best of intentions - back to my work day!
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