According to the blog...

... Things White People Like, I am very white. This concerns me.

Yes, I know the blog is tongue in cheek, offensive even. But seriously, I like most of that stuff.

I would like Deuce to be exposed to lots of people, places and things, and not just white people, places and things.

And worry about shit like this is proof positive I need to go back to work ASAP.

50th Post!

I'm not a playa I just post a lot.

I can't believe how much has happened since blog inception - really just ridiculous!

The interview went really well yesterday. I would love to call that job my own and the interviewers were software developers with social skills. Love it.

Deuce has been fuss-ay the last couple of days. He's really out of his routine, plus top teeth are imminent. It's tough being a baby.

I have scrapbooking day with the girls this afternoon. Deuce is coming with me while DeuceDad finishes up at work and then they're going to Deuce's first outdoor show. Very cool guy stuff.

I don't have any plans for next week, so I think it's going to be "get Deuce back in a routine" week. Not sure what that's going to involve, but he's used to more structure (and more babies) than he got last week. I might drop in on a neighbor (eek!) that I know stays home with her baby. And we're going to go to a LLL meeting too. I've heard that it's a little cult-ish, but I'll give it a shot. Beyond that, I have no idea how he's doing to meet other babies. (Suggestions welcome!)

So there - how's that for a 50th post? My life is crazy and I have no idea how to parent my kid. That about sums it up!

Reality Sets In

More snow has fallen
Spring snow has a quiet beauty
Brings peace to my mind

Today is pressure
To sell the best of myself
To what end? Paycheck.

At home with Deuce 'til
All our money has been spent
Is that my life's dream?

No, to work, not worry,
is my dream. And so today
I interview again.

Living the Dream

Because I tend to get a little down (and obsessive, paranoid, etc., DeuceDad could go on for an hour) when things don't go my way, I'm looking on the bright side. And the bright side of being let go from work is that I'm living my dream - I'm a stay at home mom.

While I was pregnant I told people confidently that I wanted to go back to work and that day care would be great. Oh-ho what did I know. It's hard to leave an 8 week old with strangers. Many tears were shed.

We did the math over and over, and we just couldn't make the numbers work.

Enter unemployment.

There's a cap on unemployment, so life isn't going to be quite the same as before. But the house is looking better by the day, I'm eating better and exercising more, and most importantly, I'm here with Deuce, which truly is the greatest joy in my life.

He's talking in his crib - time to get him up!

F is for Faces

How many faces does one baby make while exploring his first Easter basket?

Three for starters

Birth Story Carnival!

Check out lots of birth stories at SarcasticMom.

Deuce is napping, so I'm going to cut right down to the actual labor and delivery. For background, I wanted a natural delivery. I was also diagnosed with preeclampsia at 30 weeks.

I was holding out fine until the last 2 weeks when I put on 15 lbs of water which indicates failing kidneys. I was hot and uncomfortable so when the OB decided to induce I was all for it, but reiterated the plan of no epidural if possible.

I went in for the cervadil June 6th. I stayed overnight in our country hospital which doesn't allow fathers to sleep over, so I didn't sleep a wink. When the OB came in the morning I was 80% effaced and 2 cm dialated. Good start.

They started pitocin at 7 AM and let me go. DeuceDad, my parents and my inlaws were in and out all day, and by about 1PM I needed a rest. They went to grab lunch. At 2PM it occured to me that I was technically having contractions, but they didn't hurt. I knew somewhere deep down this wasn't working - I was going to end up with a c-section, and I was scared.

Finally the OB came back at about 5PM. I was 3 cm. He upped the pitocin. He checked again at 7PM. I was 3 cm. He went and checked on another laboring mom. He came back at 8PM and broke my water. I said it was pretty painful and I was going to want the epidural, but said not yet b/c I was progressing so slowly already I didn't want to slow down more.

Little did I know within the hour I would be having contractions off the little chart. By 1AM I was too tired to continue on my own and I asked for the epidural. The anesthesiologist came back ANGRY. "why couldn't she just have had it when I was here earlier?" and comments like that. He was so mean to me. I tried my best to curl over and hold still, but I was having 60 second contractions with 30 seconds of rest and hadn't slept in 2 days. He tried to insert the needle twice, but I moved and he was barking at me to sit still and I just couldn't. At that point I was scared he would paralyse me. So he stopped. I was 8 cm, on major pitocin, leaking fluid, changing positions, sweating, trying to survive. My mom and DeuceDad had been switching in and out every 30 minutes all night, but now they were both there. I cried for medicine and got some Demerol. HUGE mistake.

I started falling asleep between contractions and waking up at the height without having prepared myself. It was hell.

Until finally my whole body started shaking, and my mom's eyes lit up and she said "you're in transition!" It was almost over. She ran for the Dr., who told me I was 9cm and just try a little push. It was the greatest sensation I'd ever felt! I bared down and my whole body felt powerful and ready. Except I wasn't. And now I couldn't stop. My cervix started to get inflamed from pushing when I wasn't fully dialated, and once that happens there's no turning back.

I was taken to the OR, put under general anesthesia, and given a c-section.

Deuce was born at 4:36AM June 8th, with a 15 inch head circumference, and the cord around his neck twice.

He was cleaned up and everyone held him while I regained conciousness. I woke up in my room, and the nurse pushed the basinette in. DeuceDad hadn't told anyone the name yet - he let me do it.

I was afraid to hold him - I couldn't move my arms yet. But the nurse and DeuceDad helped me and I held him, and kissed him and smelled his skin. And I knew him.

Honestly this is the first time telling this story that I could say that was the best day of my life. The whole labor and delivery was such a trauma and a disappointment that it cast a shadow. But really I think I'm finally removed from it enough to look at just the part that matters - Deuce is here, healthy and alive and wonderful.

I don't want to believe...

Oh yeah. I got it.

I'm not really upset or hurt or surprised, just mad that they beat me to the punch.

Oh, and I'm still nursing so I can't even get blind drunk.

Some days life's a real lame fucker.

Haiku Friday

Cool idea - another one stolen from SarcasticMom.

Cool Deuce stuff:

On your hands and knees.

See the ball roll away and

follow it. Deuce crawled!

DeuceDad's interview:

The interview

went well. The suspense will last

until they call again.

First week of April

will come before we know it.

Fresh job and fresh air.

First Day of Spring

To my recollection, the first day of spring in the northeast is supposed to look a little something like this...

Suffice it to say that is an image I got from Google, not a photo I took.

But I'm not down. Oh no. DeuceDad is in an HR office for a possible employer right now. He's lookin' good, knows his stuff, is ready to rock. I'm fairly certain that he won't find out anything today (I don't think anyone gets hired "on the spot" except in movies). But he's there selling his wares and I have faith in him.

I earned the smallest known drop of good karma today at Burger King (disgusting, I know - but I needed to get out of the office)

The person behind the counter put a Hershey's sundae pie on my tray, but I didn't pay for one. I briefly considered keeping (and eating) it, but gave it back. It's lame. So lame. But I'm hoping it counts for something.

Wordy Wednesday

I saw this cool idea for Wordless Wednesday on SarcasticMom's and MarketingMomma's sites. I wanted to try it, but I have lots of stuff to talk about today - hence Wordy Wednesday.

In Deuce news:
He's awesome

In DeuceDad news:
Syracuse won their first NIT game last night - DeuceDad and FIL went to the game, and also bought Deuce a really cute hat. Good times.

In scrapbooking news:
No sign of the Cricut yet. Just as well since I won't be able to use it until next week.

In interview news:
***UPDATE*** Tuesday at 1PM!!

In crochet news:
I'm burning through all the green squares for the 63 crochet stitches afghan. I might actually finish my first crochet project some day!
I'm also doing an amigurumi swap! I don't know if my swap buddy reads this, so I'll post pics when it's received. Should be a quick fun swap.

In work news:
F this F-ing F. F.

In procrastination news:
It's March Madness and bracket time!! I love filling out brackets, as I'm exposed to just enough college basketball to be considered dangerous. Last year I had Texas (hook'em horns!) win it all, and they went out in the first round. The year before that I kicked DeuceDad's butt. So I'm filling out my bracket for our work pool on the ride to work today and narrating my decision process, DeuceDad filling in important decision making info for me. The conversation sounded freakishly like SportsGal's bracket discussion. I'll save time and just say that she and I think a lot alike. OJ Mayo? I love OJ! And Mayo! DWade v. Ashley Judd, hmm let's see, one is funny, the other is DeuceDad's fantasy woman... Marquette it is!

I think that's enough for today, time to justify my existance here in miseryland.

2 down, 2 to go

First off - Thanks for all the kind words from Monday morning's post. I really appreciate the support!

Secondly - We're 50% of the way through the stressful stuff this week, and it's only Tuesday. Yay, DeuceFamily!

The phone interview went swimmingly and I scored an on-site interview, not yet scheduled. So that's looking up.

Deuce's 9 month well-baby was a breeze. Deuce actually didn't need any vaccinations, which we were both very happy about. It means I didn't need to take a vacation day, but let's face it, I'll take any excuse to be home with that sweet baby.

The one thing is, his weight slid downward. At 6 months, he was just about 50th percentile and now at 9 months he's 25th. His height stayed in the 75th since his 6 month checkup. Ok, this is nothing to really worry about because he is still looks nice and chubby, and even his pediatrician said he's very active. She thinks he is recovering from the 1 lb he lost with the RSV. Poor honey - he was so sick.

Onward and upward!

I have to believe...

... that there is a reason for everything that is happening at my job right now.

... that I'm just being oversensitive to the wasted time and hypocracy that I've been dealing with for four years now and that I'm noticing more now because I'm trying to leave.

... that none of the attitude I'm catching is personal. It's the same stuff that goes on since before I ever worked here.

... that I still have marketable skills despite the fact that my career has withered while working here.

... that I still have the intelligence and confidence I walked in here with despite four years of some people here trying to make me feel small.

... that my job situation will change soon.

... that I can walk out with my head held high and behave like an adult and a professional who is simply moving on to a better opportunity.

This is going to be a crazy week. I have a phone interview, Deuce has his 9 month checkup and vaccinations, DeuceDad has a face-to-face interview, and we're hosting Easter. I get to go into survival mode, one day - sometimes hour - at a time, which is how I perform best. After the pressure is off I typically have a minor breakdown, but we'll deal with that next week.

But seriously, to get through the next 7 days I just have to accept that while there are some negative and stressful things happening, there are so many more wonderful, fun, great things happening that deserve my energy and attention.

Oh, and happy St. Patrick's Day!

E is for Elephant

This is Genny C. and she is a South African bush elephant. She is one of the elephants at the Seneca Park Zoo, one of three zoos Deuce has slept through. One of these days he is going to see an animal.

(Breast)feeding Carnival

I missed the boat on this (it was technically yesterday), but the lactivist in me can't resist.

Visit SarcasticMom to read her story and lots of others if you're interested.

I was bent on having a natural delivery. But at 38 weeks 2 days I agreed (wholeheartedly!) that is was time to induce. I'll skip the labor story and just say that I did NOT get my natural childbirth despite the best efforts of EVERYONE involved. I felt cheated. And I was in worse physical and emotional condition than I had ever been.

Deuce was born a beautiful 9 lbs 6.75 oz and hungry. He gulped so hard that he made this little honk through his nose - Deuce the Goose. My milk came in right away and life was wonderful.

Until about day 2 when jaundice set in and Deuce became lethargic. DeuceFamily wanted (needed!) to be sent home, so his pediatrician agreed that so long as his bilirubin level stayed low enough we were just to pump him full of fluids and keep bringing him for tests, but we could go home. To help him get healthy faster, we agreed to feed him bottles of breastmilk because he would drink more from the bottle than he would from me. Deuce quickly developed what is mislabeled nipple confusion. It's better described as a nipple preference - and he prefered the bottle over me. I pumped and bawled while DeuceDad bottle fed him because I could hear the goose honk even from upstairs, and I could hear my dream of motherhood dying.

It was 4 more days of trying and sobbing (more from me than Deuce) before DeuceDad gently insisted I either call the lactation consultant or quit pumping. My choice. So I admitted I needed help. Only someone who's been there understands the feeling of needing someone to teach you something you feel should come naturally to you. The feeling of failing as a mother.

And only someone who's been there understands how WONDERFUL an LC can be. This woman came to our home, was respectful, understanding, gentle but confident... and got Deuce latched on and fed and both of us happy and comfortable within 90 minutes. Amazing.

When I returned to work Deuce accepted the bottle of breastmilk, and when I stopped pumping at work eventually began taking formula from the bottle as well. We still nurse in the evenings and in the morning, and although there are times that nursing is a pain (bottom teeth anyone?), it's been a joy for us.

So there's my breastfeeding story.

Letters and Titles and Die Cuts, Oh My!

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!

I ordered a Cricut machine!!!

I chose this slightly haloed image b/c the Cricut machine is my holy grail of scrapbooking. Yes, there is a larger and more expensive model, but I'm not a teacher, so I have no use for 12"x24" die cuts. 5.5"x11.5" will serve me just nicely thank you.

I am SO HAPPY!

*updated: DeuceDad thought this section made it sound like I tricked him into buying my something I wanted. Quite the opposite - I knew he's encouraging me to spend money to make me feel happy.*

DeuceDad and I talked last night about my general malaise (General Malaise!), and now today I'm spending $200 on scrapbooking b/c he knows it makes me happy.

Now, the waiting... I saved $10 by having it sent to the store, but I have to wait 3-5 days longer than if it was shipped to the house. That's okay though, because I have to clean the office to make a space for it and a space to work. Maybe I should take a vacation day and do that! Maybe I'm insane!

So there's some excitement for ya - yay scrapbooking!

$100 of pork

Oh yeah. That's right. $100 of pork.

We're hosting Easter, as usual, and I called to order the best ham on the planet.

That, plus 2 lbs of cob smoked bacon, a pound of summer sausage, and shipping in time for Easter amounted to $100.

There's something wonderful and also wrong about that all at the same time.

Meditation

DeuceFamily had a really nice weekend relaxing around the house. It was bad weather (BAD weather) so I stayed in for 2 straight days. This is supposedly my dream. But I was crank-ay Sunday afternoon for no apparent reason. After the whole overwhelmed thing from last week I feel like I have a good action plan for job/move preparation, and even a good mindset - most of what I want to do around the house, I want to do for us. Buy alas, it's not spring yet, and that's really cramping my style.

How am I supposed to clean the windows? Get a roofer? Get boxes for unnecessary items? Air out the house? Paint? When it's a high of 25?

In times like this, there is only one thing to do. Crochet. I have to say I enjoy scrapbooking more than crochet, but it requires at least a 12"x12" clear flat surface, which I don't have right now. So I buzzed up most of the trinity stich square from 63 Easy to Crochet Pattern Stitches.

I didn't quite finish, b/c we started watching Dexter. (Yes, the CBS one, we don't have Showtime). This frickin' show is messed up! (That's a compliment) Michael C. Hall is so good (loved him in Six Feet Under). By the time the first episode was over, I had dropped my work in my lap and was sort of looking back and forth between DeuceDad and the TV. Incredulous that there is an actual good show on TV in the wake of the writers' strike. We watched 2 of the 3 episodes we had recorded. I'm seriously considering getting Netflix so we can watch the uncut episodes back to back.

Ok, what in the world does TV have to do with meditation?

I went to bed all happy about TV and jazzed about the sampler afghan and whatnot and was just not relaxed at all. I'm either cranky or happy or whatever, but never just quiet and relaxed. So I meditated. I did the focused relaxation thing where you focus on a body part and then move over your whole body until you're totally limp. And the just felt that feeling. And then I slept, a quiet restful sleep.

I think I could really benefit from some regular meditation. I know it's important to make time for myself, but it's the pressure of having to *do* something and the time/effort it's going to take that stops me. There's a lot to meditation besides sitting/lying there, but it's a start. And I don't have to clear a space for it. Sounds nice.

Child car cart before the job horse

I can't (won't) look/apply for jobs from work, but I can look for day care, right? It's probably just as bad. But there are some really promising looking places, and I think will be comparable to where Deuce is at now.

Don't get me wrong, we don't love our daycare entirely. But it's the best of the bunch, and I think he's happy there. I also think he's young enough that he won't really miss any of his caregivers or friends if he has to leave. It's just one more thing that I worry about unnecessarily considering this thing isn't even close to being a done deal.

I could do a whole enormous rant on the good and evil of daycare, the compromise it represents, the alternating feeling of imprisonment and freedom I feel as a full time working mom. But I won't get into all that mess.

The worst part about having Deuce in day care is that I miss him. Plain and simple. He's a cool kid and I like to be around him, and I don't get to do that as much as I'd like. Day care is just an easy target to spout off at b/c you can't hurt its feelings. A much better target than DeuceDad, believe that.

But now I'm satisfied that there is good quality care to be had and I can move on to worrying about something else. Like, say, when an interview is going to happen...

"Playing with yarn is always good"

Bookwoman is such a voice of reason in this crazy time.


This month's Ravelry focus is on Charity. So here's me doing my part:

Do you have odds and ends of yarn that you will never use, but are too much to justify tossing out? You can donate them to kids learning to knit!

I heard about this from Bunny Dimmel, who is a school teacher about 80 miles from where I live, and has been on Oprah for her amazing weight loss. Here's her letter to her BunnyDiet group:

Most of you know I am a writing teacher at Clary Middle School. I
recently spotted an ad in a magazine for a yarn company that colored all the
sheep the colors of their yarn, and I sent them an e-mail asking them if they
would send me a copy of that picture to inspire my writers.

Not only did they agree to send me the picture, they asked me if I
wanted to teach children to knit, and they donated a wonderful box of yarn to me
to start doing that. I am an "O" Ambassador for Clary Middle School, and
we are looking for ways to buy goats to feed an African village. I am
going to teach the children to knit. Other teachers are coming on board with
their creative fund-raisers, and we want to make a huge donation to the African
country we adopted.

The yarn the company sent me is
gorgeous. Having taught many children to do all kinds of crafts over the
years, (I owned my own sewing store and taught children to sew) I know
first-hand, what is involved. I would like to save the wonderful, organic
yarn, (do you believe that?) that they sent me for when all of the children are
truly making it across the row, and we can commence knitting washcloths, hats,
scarves, etc.

So here is my favor, do any of you have yarn laying around your house you have no use for anymore? Do you have any
needles you want to donate to us? I am in desperate need of yarn and
needles for them to learn with. This is the only way I can keep with all of them
that keep raising their hands in response to the question when I ask who is
interested. I have over 100 girls, and some boys (a chance for them to
meet girls I bet) that want to learn.

How can you donate? You can mail a box to me at: Mrs. Dimmel's Class, Clary Middle School, 100 Amidon Drive, Syracuse, NY 12305

A screeching halt

Progress on everything (everything!) has come to a screeching halt.

DeuceDad and I have been talking about a MAJOR life change (no, not another babe), and I am consumed entirely by the idea/enormity/joy/bittersweetness/etc. of the idea of moving.

I've been surviving my job because it's a means to an end. I like where we live, it's close to DeuceDad's family, we have lots of friends here, all kinds of good reasons to stay put. And I really did what I consider to be a good job for a long time - applying myself, caring about work, that type of thing. But ever since I got a HUGE ration of attitude about a year ago I've tuned out. And that only got worse after Deuce arrived, for myself and for DeuceDad (who's job situation is worse than bad, but that's another story).

It's just too hard to put our time and energy into something when we just keep getting beat down, beat down, beat down. And when that affects our mood and energy level around our son, it has to change. Period.

So we've made the decision that we're job hunting elsewhere, namely where I grew up. We think it only makes sense to go where the grandparents are. Although VA, home of BIL and Carly is awfully tempting in the winter.

Now it's like every sideways glance I get around here I'm just about to put on my coat and walk out the door. NOT GOOD. Something needs to be set in stone before I pack it in b/c we have bills to pay. And we're on my health insurance.

I almost feel like I need a vacation day to adjust my attitude (what good that will do, I don't know but I know I'm not focused). I'm also hungry, so that doesn't help my outlook on life - I'm a hunger wimp.

I'm overwhelmed is the main thing, and I just don't know what can be done about that besides resolving the situation, which is going to take time. I seriously need to go back to basics - make a list, prioritize, set small goals that I can focus on and check off. Instead of doing that, there is a good change I go to Michael's and buy Bernat Soy b/c it's half price. Just what I need - more stuff to hide when we have to stage the house/pack.

I'm going to go eat, that I know I can do!

Wheels - revised

It's Saturday morning, and Deuce was up for good before 6AM. Love that kid. Really, he's a morning person so I am taking advantage of the fact that he will play by himself in the morning and early afternoon because in the evening he needs to be held darn near constantly.

I'm looking forward to spending the day at home, not going out. At all. I won't have wheels because the car is in the shop and DeuceDad is going to the Syracuse game. This is good because I have so much to do at home, I don't really need to be out shopping. It's like a challenge!

I'm sure no crocheting will happen today, nor cooking, nor scrapping. Just some good old baby time. Nice.

Update:
DeuceDad is so thoughtful - he had his dad come pick him up for the game so I can have a car. He's so great! This means I can do the shopping today and we can hang out as a family tomorrow. Brilliant!

Oh, and I love shopping